How You Know No-One Reads Your Blog (And Mine)

How you know? Spam commenters. If you are employed to write spam on someone’s blog, especially mine, please fuck off. THIS IS HOW WE KNOW NO-ONE READS OUR BLOGS. IT’S REALLY ANNOYING! I ALREADY KNOW THIS!

Look, yes SEO is important and can make or break the ads you’re hosting on your website while you’re desperately trying to backlink over and over,  but believe me fatmantits behind that screen, it ain’t gonna work here. Instead I will subvert the intent of your content! Take that!  Ouch I hear you cry… I have a really nice delete button, for one. For two, Mr/Ms spam-a-bot, reassess your life. I *know* that very few people read this blog, and while I cry about it twice a day and then try and wrap my neck with scrap electrical cord to just end it already, holy shit; I remember this: if you spam as a bid to achieve search engine rankings you are doing NOTHING useful for anyone. Or you. Or Google. Or Bing. In fact you make Bing even less competitive, which is PROPER MEAN. It’s like Van Persie belting a labrador puppy instead of a football – and missing the shot. The amount of money they are giving you to do this I PROMISE you can find doing something more meaningful. You could even write things and sign up to Freelancer (just don’t sign up to all the backlink spam work they have on there for $3 per 500 words). Unloading all this useless IP info onto legit blogs and websites takes the wellbeing away from actual writers who thrive from the real readers. A spammer is essentially like an auditor for a public body that allows the UK Conservatives to justify funding cuts for the arts, people with disabilities and the National Health. As if that similie wasn’t enough, have a look at this BS out of context. What could any sentence of these phrases ever amount to?

‘Thankyou so much for your writings my God! I search all the time for best webs and you are thanks the best. I can help SEO on sites that it works”

OH MY GOD, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DID ARISTOTLE WRITE ALL HIS LUCID MUSINGS ABOUT CAUSAL ADEQUACY SO YOU COULD, THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER, MASTER THE ART OF ARSEFUCKING MY TIME WITH YOUR WASPISH UNINTELLIGIBILITY? YES? OH WAIT, IT WAS A ROBOT??? Oh well, who the fuck cares;  you are even worse because you had to load the robot with keywords. IMAGINE THE POETRY YOU COULD HAVE WRITEN INSTEAD!!!! THE AWFUL, AWFUL POETRY YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN: bad poetry Thanks, um, Greg. Lastly,  it hammers the point home that no-one resides here except me and a few people from all over the interwebs; but mostly you’re all here as a bunch of suspect phishers. While roughly 100 people a day browse this site, it’s no NYT and thanks to spam, it means I have to actually face up to delusions of grandeur around this blog’s impact in this huge world, and my loneliness. Don’t make me do that. Please. Please don’t. All I have left is a cat and a sizeable unaddressed issue involving the concepts ‘internal madness’ and ‘unmatched ambition’. Fuck, the other day I listened to ALL of the Black Eyed Peas and enjoyed it, regardless of the female-male submission hegemony involved. Thing is, this Spam 6.0 is tricky to negotiate if you have no self-esteem or a poor grasp of English. Take this prime piece of data:

“I have been surfing online greater than three hours lately, but I by no means discovered any interesting article like yours. It’s beautiful worth sufficient for me” – SEO4UU [IP address:5.255.75.124]

Over 3 hours? MY GOD WELCOME TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF SURFING THE WEB. I also surf the web for 3 hours and find nothing of real interest, only article fast-food where I get to ask myself probing questions about which Disney Princess I’m most like. (It’s Jasmine, read it and weep mothaaaaaaas!!) Really, that’s so kind, SEO4UU. I never thought my ‘beautiful worth sufficient’ was diddly squat for anyone until you wrote on my blog at 4am.

YvesSaintLaurentScarves‘ [IP address: 69.12.66.165] was kind enough to unload these authentic thoughts:

“Wow, this post is pleasant, my sister is analyzing these kinds of things, so I am going to inform her.”

Oh is she? Thanks, I heard that like me, she really enjoyed breaking down political rhetoric to its linguistic variables that essentially show psychopathic tendencies and obsessions with power. SO great, please inform her. Why not even get back to me about it, in keeping with the tradition of discourse? Or you could pump your fists repeatedly into a wall. They’re kind-of really similar tasks.

‘cheap hurricanes jumpers’ [IP address: 190.29.22.247]

“Wholesale jerseys outlet, only $19 wholesale cheap Red Wings jerseys china factory.”

Well that’s fab. Thing is, there’s no link! What if I want these cheap Red Wings jerseys, from this, I can only imagine, horrifc factory in China where men, women and children are physically abused and deprived of their human rights daily so I, as a privileged white woman, can enjoy polyester moulded in such a way? MY CURIOSITY IS PIQUED.

‘TopCakeToppersForWeddings’ also wrote in. [IP address: 107.155.117.214]

{Either way|Anyway} {stay|keep} up the {nice|excellent} {quality|high quality} writing, {it’s|it is} {rare|uncommon} {to peer|to see|to look} a {nice|great} {blog|weblog} like this one {these days|nowadays|today}..| {Hi|Hello}, Neat post. {There is|There’s} {a problem|an issue} {with your|together with your|along with your} {site|web site|website} in {internet|web}

TopCakeToppersForWeddings, wow. This is the very problem is at the centre of Quantum Mechanics. I can’t even respond to this multiverse of possibility. You could have said anything. Your world is filled with infinity and uncertainty. As is mine: considering the many ways you can chop up your dick and donate it to medical research. The Universe suggests you could still do that.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

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3 responses to “How You Know No-One Reads Your Blog (And Mine)

  1. i’m here, reading and listening, for what it’s worth. I enjoy yr mad discourse. If it makes you feel any better, this current blog i’m working on hasn’t even attracted spammers yet. What, isn’t there a profit in cheap horror movies and noisy electronic music?

    • thanks so much. i guess it’s something to be proud of?

      what’s wrong with noisy electronic music?! exactly.

  2. It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d certainly donate to this fantastic blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.

    I look forward to fresh updates and will share this website with my Facebook friends

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