No More Bad Boys. Good Guys: Why They Rock The Most

This is a ballad to the real heroes – no, not the guy who thinks “BEING” nice will get him inside your pants and knows only how to get The Game and get laid. This is for the ones who ARE nice. The ones who end up getting hurt by slags and twats. He’s the one who’ll hold a conversation with you without agenda i.e. friend zone isn’t a curse for him. If you want something real, the nice guy is the one you should lovebang.


“But oooh, I could tame a bad boy! That will make me whole!” – screams the false needs of pop culture, smoking a deliciously real cigarette on a reality programme where the men in question are…damn it, all squeaky-hand wankers who prefer groaning for everyone else’s benefit at the gym (get your pen and cross out the James Dean fantasy here.)

“Bad boys are more exciting and have a dark sensitive side!” says the song where you’re asked to act all mysterious and humpy and then run away at the sign of intimacy; being the projection of what is in fact a psychological pathology. It’s the one of many songs and brand messages which blend into a faux-hop mush where a woman gyrates and tells someone to Shut Up And I Don’t Care I Love It Tick Tock or some stupid pointless behavioural-based shit.


Modern fucked up Bad Boy culture is the mutation of co-opted, poisoned symbolism we all used to know and love in film noir, fairy tales and Johnny Cash songs where the disaffected soul, searching for meaning and joy in a dead dead world is now a set of hypocritical ideals  where in Cool = Bad Boy = apathetic and crude = inaccessible, flaky fop who, for as long as he has a slick apartment and good phone, will always be attractive.

..Noooooooope. Truth is, bad boys will hurt you. Forever, if you let them.

And so herein this blog post is the ode to the man who does, (or more usually, does not)  get to put the P in V or indeed, the Bs, the A or the M as much as he’d like.

1. Good guys are straightfoward, and don’t mess around playing mind games when you call or text. You get a real sentence that expresses thought, feeling, desire and meaning rather than copious egotism from the crappery of his tin-man heart (i.e. none).


> Bad boy

1am: first date while you’re at the bar with him. He just stares at you sexily in the eye and texts: “Baby I am so hot for you right now, let’s just get out of here.”

8am: you wake up in your own bed. He’s picking the last of his clothes up and he’s gone. He texts you 8pm, asking to hook up.

> Good Guy

1am: first date while you’re at the bar with him: he talks to you.

8am: you wake up in your own bed. He’s still here. He texts you at 2pm after he’s stayed for breakfast. His text interrupts your post-mortem with friends and it says: “I miss you already! Last night was fun. Let me know when you want to meet me again. Or call me. x”

2. How annoying is it when they don’t see how much it is raining and you can’t run for shelter in heels? Bad boys scuttle like cockroaches in the rain, saving their expensive shirts and shoes. Good guys match your pace, offer you their coat for your gorgeous hair (which they pointed out before anyway) and shoulders and ask if you want to head someplace warm and with seats.

3. Speaking of head: bad boys don’t unless you force them. He treats it like a god-given right, which is fucking rude, especially when he’s given you floppy play-dough to work with anyway.  Maybe this is just my experience, but all good guys think about your needs and at least return the favour if not begin in the garden, in pretty much the first instance.

4.  Good guys want to do your freaky things in the bedroom, not just their own.

5. Bad boys listen to you and your opinions, but interject and take over with their own story to the point where you’ve forgotten yours, and in the worst case scenarios, make you wonder why he even wants you around talking to him the first place. Good guys listen to your opinion, create discussion and want to know about you.

6. Bad boys do things for you only because they want to bang you. Good guys do things for you because they want to. (And maybe later, bang you too, but only because it feels right and would be fun for both of you.) There’s no favour exchange or coincidental causal link between twattery and lack of nookie for the good guys. There always will be for bad boys.

To summarise: good guys are like Cartman during his Twinklestar/Cupid phase (but, like, without the tears and voyeurism and Butters) whereas Bad Boys are Cartman with Wendy in this episode.

Choose wisely.


One response to “No More Bad Boys. Good Guys: Why They Rock The Most

  1. A good, refreshing read. Unfortunately, the “nice guys” to whom you allude in the first paragraph have become so terribly ubiquitous that I don’t like to think of myself as a “nice guy”. Rather, I endeavour to be a “good person”.

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