False Dichotomy: Team R-Patz or Team K-Stew?

Even for people who massively go out of their way to avoid everything Twilight, somehow it creeps into your loneliest moments, be they when eaves-reading someone’s Heat magazine on the commute, listening to a particular set of Paramore songs, or even just spotting a non-related “related” headline for some generic news & entertainment site.

Anyway.

This didn’t help, one iota.

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Man….must be really screwed up to screen marry and then not actually marry your partner/actor partner.

So, as of last week or something, it appears that Hollywood’s version of Jude Law and Sienna Miller have broken up – which is always sad no matter the reasons – but the internet seems to be spewing much vitriol of which, I would like to at least neutralize a bit. You see, I’m pretty apathetic about them both but because news of their split and everything around has reached my brain via osmosis (I actually can’t go into any newsagents without reading about them. And if it’s annoying for me, goddamn how annoying must it be for them?!) it was time to give my two penneth and be done with it.

So. With no further ado: here’s my take on matters. Please bear in my mind that the only thing relating to Twilight I have ever read or watched or seen was the first film – which, 15 mins towards the end of the film, a woman went into labour and the film stopped rolling. Whether that was the cinema’s decision or not, to ensure that the child’s first moments of life were not immersed literally inside Kristen Stewart’s and Robert Pattinson’s kissing faces, is besides the point. I didn’t get a bloody refund for my ticket and there were loads of good films coming out that year. Fuckssake. Anyway.

THIS IS TEAM R-PATZ v TEAM K-STEW.

WHO WILL INTERWEBS LOVE MORE?

Round 1.

Q1) WHO WILL TUMBLR LOVE MORE?

Q2) TUMBLR LOVES: R-PATZ

Team K-Stew has noticably fewer female members than does R-Patz, and , given the the proportions of people who are female (most Tumblr users), male (nearly as many Tumblr users)  and genederfluid (large minority) using the site: it appears that there’s wayyyyyy more sites by people who would describe themselves as female who are responsible for GIF files such as these:

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and maybe this site.

oh and that abomination of linguistics they call ‘robsten’.

R-Patz 1, K-Stew, 0.

Round 2.

Q2) WHO WILL GOSSIP MAGAZINES LOVE MORE?

A) Uuuuuuuummmmmmm:

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I guess in the rules of gossip as with murder stories in a newspaper: it’s the guilty party that gets headline priority and the most coverage.

R-Patz 1, K-Stew, 1.

Round 3.

Q3) WHO WILL FASHION LOVE MORE?

A) K-STEW

Kristen, even if she is a bit of a slutty whoremouth (apparently), has a fabulous taste in clothing that has most self-made alternative girls drooling in longing. I mean, look how hot she is:

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Even though Robert Pattinson began life prior to puberty as a model, he now actually has a bit of flesh on his vampire bones and the last campaign he did, apparently, was for Hamnett clothing in 2007 according to Wikipedia. Which could be wrong, I’ve definitely seen a new campaign but don’t ask me what exactly, like I say, most of these pop culture magpie bits have been gathered from sheer living in a city with magazine sand billboards… basically, outside of GQ, I see no R-Patz donning super-fit clothes as part of his image. So there y’are. Kristen won the style stakes.

R-Patz 1, K-Stew, 2. 

Round 4.

Q4) WHO WILL THE GOSSIP MORALISTS LOVE MORE?

a) R-PATZ

Given the coverage they gave on Robert Pattinson’s sisters (just like something out of a fucking Austen novel) who most disapproved of the slutty Yank in their midst, many publications appeared to be the internet moralists (as ever) on the whole situation last year. Not much has changed. Especially for the Daily Mail, who always seem to paint the picture for Rob as the man hard done by, and Kristen as the scandalous jezebel who tried hard. Plus, the pictures of her are ALWAYS MISERABLE, so y’know. It’s not like she’d get on SNL any time soon.

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R-Patz 2, K-Stew, 2. 

Round 5.

Q5) WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO ME AND LIFE?!?! Arghh!!!11111

…….

……

…..

……………..

…………..

a) NOTHING. IT’S A FALSE DICHOTOMY BECAUSE WHO TF CARES.

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