“DOES ANYONE YOUR AGE KNOW HOW TO COMB THEIR FUCKING HAIR? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
Harsh but true. Such three words appear to be the fuel behind the life and times of Sam Halpern, father of comedy writer Justin and now, more importantly, the Internet’s biggest no-frills life mentor. “Shit My Dad Says” is the brainchild of an unfortunate set of lifedramz: Justin split up with his then-girlfriend and had to move back in with his parents. Making the best of the ultimate iGen nightmare, he began to tweet all the hilarious and vulgar life advice being bestowed by his dad.
Turn out his dad’s ideas are recession-proof:
“Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit.”
His observations acute:
“You can’t swim. Son, you’re a good athlete but I’ve seen what you call swimming. You look like a slow kid on his knees trying to smash ants.”
“You’re gonna run into jerk-offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
And always brutal:
‘”It’s never the right time to have kids, but it’s always the right time for screwing. God’s not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
Yeah. He admits everything you don’t want to. As if Shakespeare didn’t make it clear with his play-within-a-play tropes he slipped into his works, Sam’s legacy, via his son is that honesty has, and always will have an enduring, everlasting appeal.
Justin had been writing all the cantankerous old words down since his teenage years (when he realised his Pop wasn’t a constant embarrassment but hilarious). Thanks to the 140-characters or less format, Justin has concurrently channelled his ill fate in a way that has benefited the world and become a meteoric success story.
In nine months, Sam Halpern (living on through his son), went from zero followers to over a million. His advice has proved so universal that a book called “Shit My Dad Says” was released, encompassing the indiosyncrasies of American family life alongside Sam’s aphorisms and those familiar paternal commentaries whilst watching TV.
As if that was unexpected for Justin, a sitcom is to aired in the US this autumn, with none other than certified nerd god William Shatner playing Dad. It’s already riled parents groups over there.
Aw. Bet that girlfriend’s well annoyed her ex is gonna be an LA screenwriter, and loaded.
Consolation from Halpern Snr:
“Look, we’re basically on Earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job’s to help people shit or fuck, it’s not that important, so relax.”
So unless you’re a doctor,
word up 😉