AS A female spectator, it gets irksome to watch your on-screen sister predictably fall for the hero of the day AGAIN instead of doing what the rest of us do: screwing up and winding up with the bad guy.
Or see said leading lady get stabbed because she obviously had a lobotomy previous to the film which made her think that being alone in a dark house where they play creepy minor chords on violins means there isn’t a masked nutter in the next room. Sigh. Oh there goes her plastic face, what a mess.
So, because needs must, here’s a Top Five where the women are fierce.
5. Charlie’s Angels (2000)
OK ok, they’re not bad-ass. They’re fluffy little ninjas. But they still want to save the world even if it is by flipping their goddamn hair. If it wasn’t for the cleavage-focussed cinematography it might even be worth a scrap of feminist analysis but lo, it seems they’ve all got a weird dad-complex and if youconsider things in a chronological order Charlie would surely be a lot more dead than he sounds in the film.
4. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Michelle Yeoh’s Wai Lin ain’t no cute Chinese whipper-snapper. She’s a smooth agent with better gadgets than Bond. And despite this, she’s so dignified that she doesn’t kick Bond’s face in and rob his wheels. That’s because she wants his bootay.
3. Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Sarah Connor is the coolest bulldog of a mother ever imagined and weirdly, you actually wouldn’t mind if she was your mum, right? She’s so ice-cool, that she would own Mad Max’s Toecutter in a survivalist showdown and then fashion you a delightful quad bike from the leathery smithereens.
2. Kill Bill: Vol 1 (2003)
If you don’t answer her, she’ll cut stuff off your body. Tarantino thought “The Bride” was a better name than “Jill” for his ultimate revenge-bitch character. But if you ever need any more rhyimng suggestions Quentin, man, call me.
1. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
This film had men and fems all a-flutter. Whilst Croft doesn’t say much, she doesn’t need to, her biceps and massive plait do all the talking, or you know, killing! And she has a little man called Bryce in a caravan who makes all her beating-up goodies! Oh and she totally thrashed Steven Seagal’s Exit Wounds at the box office! She’s amazing. I may as well just take my jacket off to reveal the I Love Lara T-shirt.
Student Direct: Mancunion, 5/10/09