GRANTED, THE FOLLOWING list has not been compiled scientifically. Nor is it based on the universal experience of scholars. Although I do write from a good few years of experience which is enough for a blog.
So, if you’re aged between 16 and 23 (come on now, if you’re older than this get a job and stop mucking about) and have placed yourself within the education system in order to grab some skills, entertain those grey cells, avoid recession (sort of) and fill up the golden, non-wrinkly days of your life all at the same time, or have already done so, then perhaps you will find the following avoidance behaviours familiar. So here goes:
10. Go out and buy something, anything
Students, with their famously humongous amount of disposable income from loans, overdrafts, part-time jobs, mummy and daddy funds and tax dodging will often feel the need to accumulate bags filled with shop-fresh possessions. As revision so typically requires a nice new pen, a thick pad of paper, post-its, glue, gel pens…and then maybe a stapler, a new box of teabags, oh yes, definitely need some milk then, ah, and some revision munchies, yeah that’s an idea I’ll stock up while I’m ‘ere…
And so we (now bankrupt) students regress to a consumerist state thinking we’ve achieved our goals or somfink like that.
9.Check out trashy gossip that in the long run, means nout. Nothing. Nada.
D-Listed, Celebitchy and the quintessential Perez Hilton are all popular because students hit these sites every thirty minutes to check if farty little Disneytron Miley Cyrus has been caught copping blow up her underage left nostril with a bendy straw yet or, you know, if farty skinny ex-Disneytron Lindsay Lohan is copping some blow or whatever.
8.Tidy up the desk…and then the wardrobe, room and house
Hard-working people perceive students badly: as lazy tramps who can’t cook, refuse to clean and waste money earning worthless degrees that hard-working middle-aged people could do with their hands and faces covered in duct tape whilst listening to their favourite Kaiser-we-write-songs-that-sound-like-nursery-rhymes-Chiefs. Or Keane.
But yeah, like, students are also seen as untidy, ungrown teenagers. As soon as exam revision looms, especially in the last two weeks, being tidy is top priority. Tidy space, tidy mind, right? Wrong. ‘Tidy space’ means developing OCD-like symptoms whereby putting books into alphabetical order is an incredibly appealing task.
7.Run up the phone bill
Ringing people for decent conversation is normal. And it is usually productive. It is, of course, especially productive when you rant on and on about how much stress the revision is causing, how much revision hasn’t been done.
“How much have YOU done?”
“I did a few pages-”
“Oh God I should really do more,” and so the conversation develops into a guiltfest. The more anxious and hysterical will wonder why they ended up in university in the first place, consider dropping out, ring a non-judgemental relative and subsequently, screw their heads back on. Or, the conversation turns into a reminiscence about how on the way to on their last night out (which was almost over two weeks ago now and this fact causes great sadness), you were all stomach-laughing at the stoned fat bloke writhing around the pole on the Magic Bus asking everyone to pay him for his “underrated” service to the public. And at the time, you thought he was damn right, but you didn’t pay him, you fiend.
6.Start a blog or journal
Does the job.
5.Manage files on the laptop
Obviously its a bit of a middle-class assumption to claim that most students own one, so apologies. But if you’re out and about in the library, a cafe with wi-fi or just sitting at home with your plug-in baby, you can guarantee that what you’re actually doing is purging all waste from it by figuring out which Word docs and pdfs that seemed useful at the time of download can be safely deleted. There’s something satisfying about the sound of scrunching up paper that doesn’t exist.
4.Use Blackboard Learning System
Online learning evokes latent student nihilism: there is no point.
3.Check the TV Guide
Most students “don’t” own a television or leave it unplugged in case licence sniffermen come knocking for a grand in their hand, now! Checking the TV guide has many purposes apart from breaking your heart by finding out you’ve missed Fresh Prince and will now have to read that textbook chapter, as you promised yourself; it can also provide inspiration for breaking more laws by watching Family Guy, Grey’s, Heroes, House and classic films you always meant to watch thanks to all those pretty Japanese websites and American websites that keep having to change their name.
Not exactly events management, although you believe at this rate it is a viable career option; it’s more…managing the events you attend in the future once the exams are over. This includes checking whether the Britney tickets have gone down in price or not. (No? Not a fan? Just me then.) Planning ahead is a skill all employers want after all. And with new technology it is rather easy handling a youthful and therefore bustling social life, so you check:
It. Has. To. Be. In. Your. Face. At. All. Times.
The more studious of students (hahahahaha, hilarious) will think this list rather effusive, if not highly inaccurrate, pessimistic and highly depreciative of the academic population.
To that I say: get a life and earn your 2:1 the hard way like the rest of us.